Foolproof Customer Service Strategies (That Only A Fool Would Try!)
Ever notice how customer service varies from store to store? You
walk into some stores, and before you can say "Buzz off!" a
salesperson asks "May I help you?"
"No thanks."
"May I help you?" asks another.
"No thanks."
"May I help you?" asks a third.
When the store runs out of salespeople, you get to see the
merchandise. This is called "in your face customer service"
Other stores take the opposite approach. When you can't find the
right size adapter for your new portable electronic zapper gizmo
thingy, you look for help in aisle three. Nobody there. Aisle four?
Still nobody. Aisle five? Nope. Aisle six? Seven? Fifty-six?
This is called "run for cover customer service".
Then there is the equipment shop that welcomes you with open arms
when your lawn tractor starts sounding like dentures in a blender.
"It just needs a routine cleaning. We charge $150 for that," the
friendly salesman says. Then he lowers his voice. "But you could
probably do it yourself."
You commend him on his helpfulness. He beams with pride. "Yup. I
thought it up by myself. Whenever a customer tries to fix something
at home, we make a whole lot more money the next day. Think my boss
will give me a raise for this?"
I call this "do-it-yourself-extortion".
And what about the three companies that came to quote on some
ductwork? Each looks around, takes some notes and promises to get
back to us with a quote.
We wait. And wait. And wait.
We call back the first company, which promises to get back to us
with its quote. It makes the same promise consistently each time we
call. I just love a reliable company.
This is called "consistent filibuster customer service".
We call the second company. We call them in the day. We call them in
the night. We call them in the dark. We call them in the light. We
call them in the morn. Well call them at high noon. We call them at
dinner, and by the light of the moon.
Even bad poetry doesn't help. I just love a company that doesn't
pester me by answering the phone.
I call this "Invisible Man customer service".
In the end, we choose a third company. To what does it owe the
winning bid? Excellent quality? No. Great price? No. Strong
guarantee? No? Answering their phone? Yes.
We hire the best paperwork fillers to renovate our ductwork ? and we
cross our fingers that we never have to choose a heart surgeon that
way.
I call this "present-at-attendance customer service".
Our pest control company showed us a different approach.
"Honey, the flies are getting in the house. Time to call Pest
Control Guy."
"OK, I'll do it right after I answer the phone. Hello?
"Hello, this is Pest Control Guy. When would you like your annual
pest controlling?"
"How did you know? Well, as soon as possible. Hold on, that's the
door bell."
"Hello, this is Pest Control Guy."
"But, you were just on the phone."
"You said ASAP, so here I am."
I call this "customer service on steroids".
If you own a business, run a family or do anything that brings you
into contact with other human beings, please take note. One of these
customer service styles is actually good.
"Hello, this is Pest Control Guy."
OK, that's enough. We don't have pests in this column.
"Hello, this is Pest Control Guy."
By the way, if you want to provide feedback to this column, I'll be
holding my hands over my ears and singing the Klingon national
anthem. I call that "satirical customer service."
"Hello, this is..." SWAT!
(Please email me at Info@TheHappyGuy.com if you have any customer
service stories you would like to see in a future column.)
About The Author
The author is David Leonhardt. To receive his satirical happiness
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or read more columns at
http://TheHappyGuy.com/self-actualization-articles.html
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